…and a warm welcome to Voyager!

Voyager introduced himself to Redlight District Blogs with a Guest Post in Collective: NZ Dating suicide junkies ». A good friend of mine for some time Ive “suggested” he start a blog on a number of occasions so Im really pleased that he’s now taking the plunge. He has stories to tell, many of which Ive heard, the others Im looking forward to!

Over the years one of the few issues I had with my use of the sex industry was the whole skulking around in the shadows both physically and metaphorically. I’ve also heard some interesting stories from the working girls over the years regarding the lengths clients go to to avoid being spotted as well of some glorious accidents worthy of slapstick comedy.

Back to the point. My issue is that my one regret remains that when I’ve been in public with sex workers with whom I crossed the line to being a friend rather than a client & inevitably we encounter someone one of us knows & the “so how did you meet” question is asked. My conscience & soul still squirms over the fact that I find myself adhering to the nonsensical “rules” of polite society meaning that the truth is avoided and I don’t let myself react with what is inside me - deep pride that I have been accepted into their life as a friend and without exception admiration of their professional skill and tenacity to deal with the challenges society throws down in front of such an essential and admirable service. All of that said within the context of always respecting the privacy & preferences of my companion.

The train of thought resurfaced a few months ago while out for drinks with two friends, one who has now retired from the industry and Sally. The other friend is very comfortable with her past work in the industry but wasn’t comfortable when she spotted an ex client and that he was with someone known within her new life. I feel for her and her discomfort but Voyager’s view is that the problem (if in fact in this case there really is one) is with the other people & the double standards and immature handling of their involvement or opinions they publicly express about the industry.

Compare that to a little later in the evening when Sally & I were sitting & talking (actually recovering from a rather tense argument !) when an out of town lawyer who was part of a stag party group in the bar. After a good conversation about how antisocial Aucklanders are compared to other cities ensued. Somewhat later I went to the toilets & on my return could see a shift in the conversation had occurred. The lawyer wandered off for a minute & Sally was able to fill me in with the fact that lawyer had asked her what she did for a living and as is Sally’s way she looked him in the eye and said something along the lines of “I’m a prostitute". Credit to him he stayed and talked to us for some time, yes he queried me as to how I knew Sally and again credit to him it was a neutral reaction from him when I explained that we are friends and I wasn’t with her as a client.

Point of the story - part of the reason I admire Sally and treasure my time in her company, she reminds me of the importance of honesty and the price paid when it is avoided.

I might be idealistic in my views but I’m cynical enough to know that we are unlikely to see the ideal situation where we can openly express such truths without fear & retribution in all instances. I’ve seen people have their lives ruined due to the publicity resulting from being “outed” as a prostitute and why is it that the use of the sex industry is cause for politicians and business people to be publicly shamed and fired ? Personally I’d give them a medal. There will be another post about discussions regarding sex, sexuality & adventures shortly but I hope to start a debate about hiding in the shadows compared to basking in the sunlight of healthy horny pursuits.

In a similar vein to my other post today, at times I find myself in situations where people who know me better than most start questioning me about my opinions and experiences regarding matters of sex, sexuality and my adventures. I frequently visualise the look in Sally’s eyes when I avoid truthful, open & honest responses to such questions so increasingly people are getting a response far from what they really wanted. Instead of an amused denial or avoidance tactics I frequently find myself giving them the truth, the whole truth and in more detail than they wanted.

A temporary diversion - for many years I’ve had two sets of friends/acquaintances/social contacts - those from my work/domestic life & those encountered via the sex industry or through people I know in the industry. A small number of each group have long been aware of the existence of the other but I’ve kept the two apart. A few months ago I was prodded into introducing my closest friends from each side. An interesting encounter ensued and maybe I’ll expand on it another time but I haven’t repeated the exercise and would be selective anyway given the difficulty people have dealing with the raw reality.

Back to the theme. Prior to Christmas I was with friends for drinks (a couple from the “vanilla” side of my life, very good friends and close), sitting outside our favourite bar when a colleague of the husband arrived & joined us and from there on the conversation got interesting.

I’d never met the other person, knew a bit about him professionally, the couple know him well personally. The wife from the couple started a line of conversation wanting to understand our thoughts on dominance & submission, B & D and such subjects. I wasn’t aware of the other person’s knowledge/involvement & while the couple know that I am an adventurer (or Voyager) of life’s journey we had never openly discussed such subjects.

A really refreshing and interesting conversation ensued in the open air of Grey Lynn as agreeable Pinot Noir was consumed and the two “players” of the party explained their version of the reality especially how for many it has nothing about pain, explaining the emotional side of engaging with someone who is slowly breaking down your desire to resist, the mental challenge of submitting despite a far from submissive personality (yes Sally, I can still hear you snort when I describe myself as submissive). I’ll expand on the general subject another time when I open up the “Welcome to the Darkside” category but what a relief to find people to sit with & debate such subjects in the open air not caring who was listening (and believe me folks, there were several surrounding tables nearly falling out of their chairs !).

Only recent time I can remember similar depth & breadth of such conversation was over drinks with Sally and James but how much more fulfilling it is to be free to express yourself in the open - wish more people would try it. The wife was curious & and I know the subject will be revisited (as I know they will never experiment but are happy to learn & expand their horizons from the opinion of others) and the other player and I had the opportunity to be ourselves rather than hide behind our polite company façades.

Maybe one day people in general will develop the emotional and intellectual maturity to have such discussions around the dinner table or other forms of gathering and be just as comfortable discussing sex & sexuality as they are discussing wee Tristan’s school report, Jemima’s braces or the colour of the new drapes.

An exchange with a special person off another site - she challenges me to think & speak from deep within (atlthough does encourage my wicked side occasionally !)

Question from friend:

Do you really believe it is a good thing woman have been granted the tools and initiative to be high money earners of their own status, presidents, sole house owners&providers, mother’s who chose to decline male role models for their children. How as a Mother do I not ruin my son, for the wife he may meet in the future..??? is it totally true that men look for in their partner a resemblance in some way to their Mother ?? interested in your ideas

Response from Voyagers’s alter-ego:

The answer to the first statement (oops - question ) is absolutely ! My view is that yes many do look for a partner who resembles their mother and provide the same comfort and unquestioning acceptance of their behaviour. I call them the sad sheep of society, unfortunately in the majority.

You already know that the best thing you can do for your son is to let him know you love him without smothering or being too intrusive, teach him respect, humility, dignity and the tools to stand on his own two feet no mater what adversity the world throws at him (which includes the ability to know when to call for help without shame or negative self esteem).

It’s not a question of ruining him - that’s his choice depending on how he adapts to life’s lessons (including his mother’s finest teapot finger waggling lectures with eyes glowing like coals glowing in the dark) In my case I’m one of the ones that society traditionally hunts down & culls - someone who thinks for himself, make glorious mistakes yet learns & eventually moves on to being a better person.

Part of that is knowing that the person who will ultimately make my flame flare and dance will be nothing like my mother. That doesn’t mean opposite, it means totally different in thought, emotions & outlook on life, love and the human journey.

To quote a certain redhead - ACH !

For the past couple of years since I retired as a sex industry frequent flyer I have watched the growth of the so called “elite” classification within the NZ escort market. I know that the term grates with favourite redhead and I personally think that despite giving credit to the NZ Girls website for some aggressive marketing and well devised strategy to take higher fees off escorts advertising on their site the term does nothing for the working girls and sets a high percentage of punters up for a disappointing experience at what is a high price in the NZ market (will get back to that another time - the kiwi attitude means that we are one of the cheapest markets for a safe and reasonable quality service in the western world).

(draws breath)

Why do I dislike the term ? Firstly because of recent times so few that I’ve encountered truly deliver an “elite” service (and apologies for the many that I’m no longer aware of as my circle of contacts in the industry diminishes). I hear of “elite” services where someone knocks on the bedroom door when time is nearly up (therefore meaning that the situation is virtually a parlour situation), others where if the client climaxes early he’s exited before the paid time is up again in very hard parlour rules but worst of all the grooming, manners, conversational skills & those essential elements that make the situation one of companionship rather that paying to get your rocks off simply aren’t met.

I don’t have an issue with the service these people provide - just PLEASE don’t pretend that it’s elite or worse continue to denigrate the skill and investment of those who do meet the criteria.

I hear complaints of how hard it is to make a decent living from the sex industry these days. Yes the internet has opened up the market along with so called decriminalisation. Again, Voyager’s view, but the reduced quality of service along with the ability of overseas clients to assess how cheap the NZ market is has driven down prices aggravated by over supply of reasonable quality women “giving it a go”

I’m working on Voyagers view of Courtesan/prostitute/hooker classifications - suspect that I might just get a reaction to that one as well but it’s all about targeted service to a quality that meets the market at a price it is willing to pay and almost as importantly in a manner that sustains demand.

I’ll also share opinion on the punters of the world (not always a pretty perspective I know girls !)

After waking early in the sticky heat that is Auckland lately with too much running through my mind to go back to sleep I’ve come downstairs & decided to indulge myself with a post that has no real purpose other than to put into words a number of things around a friendship that is very important to me & that I’ve been reminded of recently despite the fact that we haven’t seen each other for many weeks.

The early morning thoughts started with a comment she made many months ago. As is my way I asked her opinion of the sex that had occurred largely by chance and as something between friends comfortable in each others company, no more, no less.

Her response was along the lines of “OK, but it doesn’t inspire me". My reaction was a smile & a mental ticking off to myself for not finding the same words - they summarised my feelings as well yet I had been thinking in terms of “trying harder” rather than accept the situation for what it was & get on with enjoying the friendship. How often are we guilty of letting expectations, thoughts of inadequacy as a lover or self indulgence cloud a very simple situation.

As it happens the time for the brief diversion in our friendship had passed & my favourite moments now are the occasions we’ve ended up sleeping together after a long discussion over Cascade or gin & the calmness of two friends at rest without any sexual thoughts or contact. Some of the best rest & recovery I’ve had in a long time.

As the weekly rubbish collection starts early to clear the streets of Parnell for Sir Edmund Hillary’s funeral my thoughts have turned back to this particular friendship. It has developed into one of the most important friendships for me, it inspires me to think, express myself openly & honestly (this blog is part of that) and the challenge of being kept on my toes emotionally & in the way I express myself by someone who misses nothing !

Not that it hasn’t had its moments - we have dramatically different personalities & ways of dealing with each other meaning we’re guaranteed to annoy the living shit out of even the closest of friends. In fact we’ve only just picked up contact after the the great roast beef dinner disaster of 2007. Without doubt the most tumultuous parting of the friendship so far (and unlikely to be the last) but despite the agony of my contribution to the contretemps I had faith in the intensity of the flame of our friendship, eventually we’d find ourselves back at the table arguing about life, the sex industry, politics, & the bizarre behaviour of the human animal.

I have no idea when we will next see each other but I’m happy that the flame of our friendship still flickers & flares. Thank you that person, you inspire me to constantly work on being the person within.

Enough self indulgence, I need some inspiration regarding the next posts & would welcome feedback. I’ve parked the courtesan/prostitute/hooker post - doesn’t inspire me right now. I’ve had a couple of thoughts so far:

worst experience as a punter
One for the “welcome to the darkside” category sharing views around dominance & submission (of the emotional more than physical sense)