Understanding
I feel particularly miserable and detached tonight, more so than most nights. I have questions that when I search for answers I’m either searching in the wrong place or asking the wrong person.
Things of late haven’t been that great and me being a Scorpio this tends to shut me up for some time not wanting to allow anyone in or let anyone see that I might not be possibly dealing with things all that well. Need for secrecy can be isolating. The need to share can be agonizing. The internal struggle of both is frustrating.
The need for understanding eludes me and not getting my own way frustrates me. I won’t say I have always gotten my own way but it would be bloody close. If I didn’t get what I wanted the first time I would try different ways till I had what I wanted and then got bored. The Scorpio motto might be “What is hidden is more interesting than what is obvious.” In this situation I’m not getting what I want and I’m not getting any understanding as to why it is so hard.
I have been with my older man for 4 years now. In all ways our relationship is perfect except for this one problem! I read somewhere that even if the rest of the relationship is perfect and there is one problem that can’t be solved or you feel isn’t being resolved it will consume the rest of the relationship. I have never heard a truer word spoken.
Scorpios again are very passionate people and most people that have had relationships with scorpions know their sex life is very intense and very active. This is very true of most relationships I have had and I have enjoyed my sex life and all the things I have experienced to date. However I have hit a brick wall. I am experiencing just sex once every 4 months (if I’m lucky). Has the relationship always been like this? Yes it has. Has it always been a problem? Yes it has. Why is it a problem? Because I want way more. Why am I not getting way more? I don’t know. He doesn’t know. We don’t know. The more we talk about it the further away we feel from each other. The longer it keeps happening the worse I feel about myself and the situation. Why am I blogging something so personal? Because here I am nobody you know. Here you are nobody I know. It doesn’t make it any easier to share but the need to share is strong and being the person I am I have to have everyone around me believe I am in control and this perfect outward life I have is real or the basis of it is.
My self confidence is through the floor. I can’t remember the last time I felt sexy. It is pilling into other areas of my life and I am slowly but surely beginning to resent my partner for the lack of interest in sex. All the obvious questions have been asked. No attraction, Angry with me, to stressed etc etc. All to No of course not. Hence the need for some understanding. Something to hold on to. All the normal reactions to this have been played out. Him being defensive, me blaming myself, me still blaming myself, him wanting to ignore the issue, me wanting to talk about the issue. All is done and dusted and no change. No understanding. Nothing to hang on to.
I have never been an unfaithful person. But the idea has struck a cord or two in the last few months when it has all become a bit too much. Why am I still here? In my understanding and capacity to love I love him. I don’t want to leave I have invested a lot in this and so has he. How do I deal with this? Again I have no understanding therefore I have no answers. How do I go on? Until it is no longer bearable and something finally cracks. What will that be? Who knows? What was the point to this? Again who knows I just needed to blurt it out.
nikki on May 9, 2008 | In Relationships, Nikki | 24 feedbacks »
This may sound blunt, but when the situation is reversed and the disparity in sexual appetite leaves the male frustrated, many men are all too willing to secretly seek satisfaction elsewhere. Some enter into a second relationship with a lover, others will seek out the services of an escort. Many consider that the latter poses less risk of discovery and maybe is less damaging to their relationship with their partner because "it was only for sex". However, despite what some may claim, it is still infidelity.
The same decisions are now yours to make. You will have to weight up your desire against the risk of your partners discovery and the damage it will do to your relationship.
If you to decide to "stray", and it appears to me from your post that your leaning that way, maybe you also should consider making use of services of an escort.
Not that I am touting for business you understand...
The same decisions are now yours to make. You will have to weight up your desire against the risk of your partners discovery and the damage it will do to your relationship.
If you to decide to "stray", and it appears to me from your post that your leaning that way, maybe you also should consider making use of services of an escort.
Not that I am touting for business you understand...
10/05/08 @ 02:19
Voyager
Two very differing perspectives !
Welcome back Nikki - you have been missed, please continue to "blurt it out"
My perspective - something clearly has to change but given the situation time & thought is necessary before the frustration cause a reaction that might not deliver a result you can live with.
I went through twenty years of prevarication before I finally abandoned my marriage. The absence of sex was my choice - I was celibate for around eight years, not something I recommend !
The next phase was fulfilling the physical need with sex workers choosing to avoid "affairs" or another relationship due to other factors in my domestic situation.
The end results were a traumatic & very damaging parting of the ways that would have been easier if I'd been true to myself many years earlier and the melancholic state of my sex life as I rebuild a new life without the benefit of being clear of the debris of the past.
I won't attempt to advise you - I wouldn't dare. You need to make your own choices based on your personal approach & situation.
My opinion is that finding outlets to share and debate are important - I didn't have those for far too long & it was very damaging for me, keep sharing, filter the advice but above all be true to yourself within whatever parameters you can deal with in terms of the price to be paid for fulfilment and happiness.
Be safe & happy,
Voyager
Welcome back Nikki - you have been missed, please continue to "blurt it out"
My perspective - something clearly has to change but given the situation time & thought is necessary before the frustration cause a reaction that might not deliver a result you can live with.
I went through twenty years of prevarication before I finally abandoned my marriage. The absence of sex was my choice - I was celibate for around eight years, not something I recommend !
The next phase was fulfilling the physical need with sex workers choosing to avoid "affairs" or another relationship due to other factors in my domestic situation.
The end results were a traumatic & very damaging parting of the ways that would have been easier if I'd been true to myself many years earlier and the melancholic state of my sex life as I rebuild a new life without the benefit of being clear of the debris of the past.
I won't attempt to advise you - I wouldn't dare. You need to make your own choices based on your personal approach & situation.
My opinion is that finding outlets to share and debate are important - I didn't have those for far too long & it was very damaging for me, keep sharing, filter the advice but above all be true to yourself within whatever parameters you can deal with in terms of the price to be paid for fulfilment and happiness.
Be safe & happy,
Voyager
10/05/08 @ 09:12
nikki
Well I really didn’t expect those reactions. I thought I would be pulled apart for not understanding his lack of interest. Thank you.
Damon, The idea of being unfaithful is hard for me. Like I said I have never been that way. However I have never come across this before. I don’t think I am leaning this way yet. I have just had the idea that all would be easier if I could get what I need elsewhere. I have also brought this up with him as an option. And I have been honest with him about my feelings. He of course isn’t happy about the idea but understands where it comes from. Of course however if I was going to do this it would be with an escort and not someone I know as that way feelings could never be an issue. However in saying that as I type it just doesn’t sit right with me. I would hate for it end like that. My issue is with him and wanting to be him.
Voyager, thank you for the welcome back. It is nice to know I have been missed. I will admit that I slept easier than I have in months after posting and sharing this. I have realised that if I push the issue I might not get what I want and then it will become the choice to either live with it or get it out. Sometimes I think I go to the table wanting to hear something final that way the understanding would start and a final outcome would come. There would be no more living with wishing it would happen night after night, being disappointed in the morning that it didn’t, Feeling unwanted and completely unsexy and so bad about myself that I feel constantly unworthy. I have told him that after 4 years it is coming to crisis point and something needs to change before our feeling or more my feelings change toward him and our relationship. I enjoy sex way to much to become a virgin again and this is not a choice I want to face. My need for understanding is so great. Maybe if I understand I can deal better with it? It seems the only thing I can hold on to right now. It seems the only thing I can turn to, to feel like something’s being done about it.
Damon, The idea of being unfaithful is hard for me. Like I said I have never been that way. However I have never come across this before. I don’t think I am leaning this way yet. I have just had the idea that all would be easier if I could get what I need elsewhere. I have also brought this up with him as an option. And I have been honest with him about my feelings. He of course isn’t happy about the idea but understands where it comes from. Of course however if I was going to do this it would be with an escort and not someone I know as that way feelings could never be an issue. However in saying that as I type it just doesn’t sit right with me. I would hate for it end like that. My issue is with him and wanting to be him.
Voyager, thank you for the welcome back. It is nice to know I have been missed. I will admit that I slept easier than I have in months after posting and sharing this. I have realised that if I push the issue I might not get what I want and then it will become the choice to either live with it or get it out. Sometimes I think I go to the table wanting to hear something final that way the understanding would start and a final outcome would come. There would be no more living with wishing it would happen night after night, being disappointed in the morning that it didn’t, Feeling unwanted and completely unsexy and so bad about myself that I feel constantly unworthy. I have told him that after 4 years it is coming to crisis point and something needs to change before our feeling or more my feelings change toward him and our relationship. I enjoy sex way to much to become a virgin again and this is not a choice I want to face. My need for understanding is so great. Maybe if I understand I can deal better with it? It seems the only thing I can hold on to right now. It seems the only thing I can turn to, to feel like something’s being done about it.
10/05/08 @ 10:32
Voyager
Small steps are good, they give you the self confidence from doing something about the situation without the risk of falling off the cliff edge by taking misdirected bigger steps before you have your bearings.
Keep sharing but more importantly keep faith in yourself.
Keep sharing but more importantly keep faith in yourself.
10/05/08 @ 11:00
Hey Nikki,
I think what Damon has overlooked is that because sex is about so much more than the physical act for the woman, having sex with someone else is not likely to make you feel any better (although I have been known to be wrong on occaision). I'm betting that you are feeling grief about the lack of passion and emotional intimacy and the need to be wanted and to feel desirable, not just that your itch isn't being scratched. While I have no problem with casual sex (I am an escort :) ) I think that if you turn to someone else you could potentially just add guilt to your list of negative feelings.
I see from your other posts that your partner is 53. Could it be that he is worrying about his ability to perform? I know I'm blunt and I hope that I don't offend you.
I firmly believe that talking to people can be really useful, but sometimes friends (whether you know them or not) can be of limited help if they dont have direct experience of your situation. Have you tried talking to a professional - even GPs can be great. Do you think he'd go with you?
I hope you get some peace of mind soon, Nikki.
I think what Damon has overlooked is that because sex is about so much more than the physical act for the woman, having sex with someone else is not likely to make you feel any better (although I have been known to be wrong on occaision). I'm betting that you are feeling grief about the lack of passion and emotional intimacy and the need to be wanted and to feel desirable, not just that your itch isn't being scratched. While I have no problem with casual sex (I am an escort :) ) I think that if you turn to someone else you could potentially just add guilt to your list of negative feelings.
I see from your other posts that your partner is 53. Could it be that he is worrying about his ability to perform? I know I'm blunt and I hope that I don't offend you.
I firmly believe that talking to people can be really useful, but sometimes friends (whether you know them or not) can be of limited help if they dont have direct experience of your situation. Have you tried talking to a professional - even GPs can be great. Do you think he'd go with you?
I hope you get some peace of mind soon, Nikki.
11/05/08 @ 21:33
I have a unique perspective, since I am now 61 and experienced a similar situation during a 17-year long bad marriage. If you wish to discuss, feel free to Email me.
Fondly, Kathryn
Fondly, Kathryn
11/05/08 @ 23:59
nikki
Sara, you certainly didnt offend me. Thank for taking the time to reply to my post. He went to the doctor once before and wont go again that might he is very clear on. As for worry about preforming I'm really not sure. I wouldnt think so as when we do have sex its is satisfying for us both. We dont have any sex counsellors here in New Plymouth at all so that is out as well.
12/05/08 @ 07:24
nikki
Sorry might is meant to much and thank is suppose to be thanks. So much going on and my son hit the send button before i had read through it.
12/05/08 @ 07:26
Great post Nikki. A dilemma! I learnt alot from my marriage and previous relationships about whats important to me and a good sex life definitely is. My marriage started out well but life, kids, some health issues and dairy farming saw our sex life dwindle to little worth mentioning. I want never to be in that situation again. Im committed to "starting out as I mean to continue" which includes not settling in with anyone Im not sexually compatable with. In fact, recently asked questions saw me deciding clearly Id choose the guy who could rock my world over one who couldnt anyday...even if the latter was more compatable in character. Im also very aware how much work is required to maintain a healthy sex-life with one person and the importance of commitment from both parties to do so.
Your mentioning not feeling sexy is big, its awful in my experience. I would never have an affair or pay an escort...Id be confessing inside a week. It would also not provide me with what I was ultimately missing. Great sex with the man I love and all that this encourages; good communication, intimacy, feeling desired. I dont know where this would leave me in a situation like yours but given the importance I place on sex-life Id more than likely be moving on once I felt Id tried everything. I wouldnt feel like there was a suitable compromise.
Your mentioning not feeling sexy is big, its awful in my experience. I would never have an affair or pay an escort...Id be confessing inside a week. It would also not provide me with what I was ultimately missing. Great sex with the man I love and all that this encourages; good communication, intimacy, feeling desired. I dont know where this would leave me in a situation like yours but given the importance I place on sex-life Id more than likely be moving on once I felt Id tried everything. I wouldnt feel like there was a suitable compromise.
12/05/08 @ 14:41
Anon
Sally, May 2008: "I would never have an affair or pay an escort".
Sally, March 2008: "I want to hire a Male Escort. Firstly Id like to know how it feels to be on the “other side” and second, the idea of being pampered with absolutely no expectations on performance from me appeals greatly.".
Sally, March 2008: "I want to hire a Male Escort. Firstly Id like to know how it feels to be on the “other side” and second, the idea of being pampered with absolutely no expectations on performance from me appeals greatly.".
12/05/08 @ 17:13
Anon, your second plonker comment in one day graduates you to Dickhead.
"I would never have an affair or pay an escort" - while Im in a relationship.
"I want to hire a Male Escort." - while Im single.
:)
"I would never have an affair or pay an escort" - while Im in a relationship.
"I want to hire a Male Escort." - while Im single.
:)
12/05/08 @ 18:14
13/05/08 @ 11:37
nikki
Damon please dont apologise. Thank you for taking the time to comment at all! And the idea gets more appealing as the days and nights get greater! Never know i might be giving you a call *winks*
Sally, I think once i have tried everything i can think of i will be leaving. I am like you sex is to important to live without.
Sally, I think once i have tried everything i can think of i will be leaving. I am like you sex is to important to live without.
13/05/08 @ 15:30
If you decide to give "Escort" a whirl Id love to know how it goes for you. Ive had a very hard time trying to find woman who have used Escorts to pick the brains of!
Good luck Nikki x
Edit: Hey, you can be our official "Male Escort Reviewer" as well as Sex Toys! :))
Good luck Nikki x
Edit: Hey, you can be our official "Male Escort Reviewer" as well as Sex Toys! :))
14/05/08 @ 11:51
nikki
Now now Sally I dont want to take all the best jobs!! :) If i do go to a male escort i will get in contact. Have actually gone to the trouble to see if we even have any in the New Plymouth and came up with nothing! Dont happen to know of anyone down this way do you? I was to even think about it coming to Auckland or going anywhere without the family would raise major red flags!
I have looked but still just want to try working it out with him first. Although a little research into my options isnt bad...is it?
I have looked but still just want to try working it out with him first. Although a little research into my options isnt bad...is it?
14/05/08 @ 12:41
I had a very significant partner who used to say that the quality of the sex was a barometer of the whole relationship...
16/05/08 @ 00:04
I have actually faced a similar situation. Being a woman and hearing your entire life that men think about sex every few seconds, and it is a need within them, when your man does not appear to want you, can be devastating to a woman, more so than for a man, because of that reason.
In our case, he did not handle stress well, and stress was a large part of his life, which was a contributing factor. But it doesn't change the feeling you experience inside.
Another factor, and I actually did an article about it recently is Andropause, the male form of Menopause, when their testosterone levels decline, and their are natural things that can be taken to help counteract that. He is at that age when this problem becomes prominent.
Also, have you tried being the aggressor. Have you done sexy things, like buy you a sleazy, sexy lingerie, and done a striptease for him. Draw him in, and take charge.
You haven't expressed what his outlook is during those conversations that you both have had, except to say that you discussed using people outside the relationship to fulfill your needs, and he was not happy, but understood those thoughts. So we don't have the whole story, but...
My heart is with you, I do know how it makes you feel inside.
In our case, he did not handle stress well, and stress was a large part of his life, which was a contributing factor. But it doesn't change the feeling you experience inside.
Another factor, and I actually did an article about it recently is Andropause, the male form of Menopause, when their testosterone levels decline, and their are natural things that can be taken to help counteract that. He is at that age when this problem becomes prominent.
Also, have you tried being the aggressor. Have you done sexy things, like buy you a sleazy, sexy lingerie, and done a striptease for him. Draw him in, and take charge.
You haven't expressed what his outlook is during those conversations that you both have had, except to say that you discussed using people outside the relationship to fulfill your needs, and he was not happy, but understood those thoughts. So we don't have the whole story, but...
My heart is with you, I do know how it makes you feel inside.
16/05/08 @ 04:13
nikki
Searchingwithin, Is this article available to read on the net? I would be interested in reading it if I could? I have been doing some research on low sex drive. He also doesn’t handle stress well and works 6 out of 7 days and is quite tired after a full on day welding.
Have I tried being the aggressor? Yes I have and sometimes it works other times it doesn’t and my self esteem is at rock bottom right now I can't put myself out there with him for fear nothing would happen and that would make me feel worse.
His attitude to our conversations is ok at the start he comes to the table really wanting to try and make it better but has no idea how to. That frustrates him because he sees how hurt I am. And then in defence mode for hurting me he gets angry and says I’m blaming him. I am trying to keep my head in conversations we have trying to make sure I say things that aren’t out right blaming him but it is hard when the subject is so sensitive to both parties. And I guess in a way I am blaming him. After all I am ready and willing it is his problem we aren’t having sex.
He does come to the table and say I am rather cold but I guess you get that way when after 4 years it’s still not working and deep down you think it won’t ever change!
As I said I do try not to blame him and I do try and use I statements rather than you statements and I only talk from my own point of view so that I’m not assuming anything of him.
Have I tried being the aggressor? Yes I have and sometimes it works other times it doesn’t and my self esteem is at rock bottom right now I can't put myself out there with him for fear nothing would happen and that would make me feel worse.
His attitude to our conversations is ok at the start he comes to the table really wanting to try and make it better but has no idea how to. That frustrates him because he sees how hurt I am. And then in defence mode for hurting me he gets angry and says I’m blaming him. I am trying to keep my head in conversations we have trying to make sure I say things that aren’t out right blaming him but it is hard when the subject is so sensitive to both parties. And I guess in a way I am blaming him. After all I am ready and willing it is his problem we aren’t having sex.
He does come to the table and say I am rather cold but I guess you get that way when after 4 years it’s still not working and deep down you think it won’t ever change!
As I said I do try not to blame him and I do try and use I statements rather than you statements and I only talk from my own point of view so that I’m not assuming anything of him.
16/05/08 @ 10:33
nikki
Sara, I do hope that statement is wrong. Our relationship in every other area is perfect. We don’t argue, we talk and are open about everything. He is a kind, thoughtful, generous man and we can talk for hours about anything. He is also extremely wonderful to my kids and they love him. This is why I am still here. Apart from this one problem (which is a biggy) I am completely happy with our relationship and wouldn’t want to change a thing and so he is. I know you don’t find that everyday, it is very rare and so the need to sort this is vitally important to me. I don’t want to walk away from the best thing to happen in my life for the longest time.
16/05/08 @ 10:43
The article is on my blog, and is called "Is Your Man Going Through the Mid-Life Crisis". Although, it is not the Mid-Life Crisis, which happens around the same time. Probably triggered by the other.
Admin added: Heres the link - Thanks, great article!
Admin added: Heres the link - Thanks, great article!
16/05/08 @ 11:26
Now, I know that I am not the only one out here going through this!
Nikki, I know what you mean, to an extent. My man and I are still under 25 and are having these troubles. It may not be 4 months between, but sometimes it gets to once a month--and we're not even 25! I love him very much and he is my best friend, but it is driving me insane. I think though the most humiliating part is that while I am struggling with the lack of intimacy (which he does know that I am more than willing) he will find alternative ways to releive his tension. I am trying to cope with that in itself because I know that guys have a desire for more than one woman, but when he decides to use other ways, it makes me feel terrible. When he is confronted about this, he says that it is nothing. That it is different than sex. I just don't know what I am going to do. We are married and have been together for 5 years. We are talking about starting a family. I love him very much, but is this only going to get worse?
Which brings me to my next point, I am begining to lust after other guys. It is one thing to see someone that is good looking and think that, but then to take those thoughts to the next level and they won't leave your head... I just don't know what to do. He doesn't see a problem, and I can't stop thinking sexual thoughts about someone. I love my husband and I wish these thoughts would stop, I am just not sure what to do.
Nikki, I know what you mean, to an extent. My man and I are still under 25 and are having these troubles. It may not be 4 months between, but sometimes it gets to once a month--and we're not even 25! I love him very much and he is my best friend, but it is driving me insane. I think though the most humiliating part is that while I am struggling with the lack of intimacy (which he does know that I am more than willing) he will find alternative ways to releive his tension. I am trying to cope with that in itself because I know that guys have a desire for more than one woman, but when he decides to use other ways, it makes me feel terrible. When he is confronted about this, he says that it is nothing. That it is different than sex. I just don't know what I am going to do. We are married and have been together for 5 years. We are talking about starting a family. I love him very much, but is this only going to get worse?
Which brings me to my next point, I am begining to lust after other guys. It is one thing to see someone that is good looking and think that, but then to take those thoughts to the next level and they won't leave your head... I just don't know what to do. He doesn't see a problem, and I can't stop thinking sexual thoughts about someone. I love my husband and I wish these thoughts would stop, I am just not sure what to do.
04/06/08 @ 05:18
nikki
Foxiladithoughts, it sucks huh! I don’t know how you communicate with your partner but have you told him that you’re having thoughts for someone else? Do you believe these stem from the lack of intimacy in your relationship?
If there is anything I have learnt so far about this, it is that we are very vulnerable to outside relationship attention. I know for me at least and reading some feedback for different sites on the internet that if a guy is paying attention to you whether it just be passing attention or more it is very noticeable to us more so than when we are happy with things at home. I guess this happens if you’re having any problems with any area of your relationship.
I guess if you’re posting you have tried all the ways you know how to make it better with no results. I know how very damaging it can be to your self confidence and that it starts to invade all areas of your life. All I can say is that you need to keep talking to him. Try everyday to do something for yourself that makes you feel good.
Is Your Man Going Through A Mid-Life Crisis? searchingwithin’s article while it might be about mid life crisis maybe this is what he is going through. There is no certain age bracket that suffers from this.
http://www.sextherapy.co.nz/
http://www.medicinenet.com/sexual_sex_problems_in_men/article.htm
I don’t know if these will help you. All I know is that when I have researched this it makes me feel like I’m doing something to help the problem. Information is power! If you just need to talk whatever please feel free contact me. I might not be able to give any answers but I’m willing to listen and share and maybe together we could find some ideas to help. Your call. Know I am here.
If there is anything I have learnt so far about this, it is that we are very vulnerable to outside relationship attention. I know for me at least and reading some feedback for different sites on the internet that if a guy is paying attention to you whether it just be passing attention or more it is very noticeable to us more so than when we are happy with things at home. I guess this happens if you’re having any problems with any area of your relationship.
I guess if you’re posting you have tried all the ways you know how to make it better with no results. I know how very damaging it can be to your self confidence and that it starts to invade all areas of your life. All I can say is that you need to keep talking to him. Try everyday to do something for yourself that makes you feel good.
Is Your Man Going Through A Mid-Life Crisis? searchingwithin’s article while it might be about mid life crisis maybe this is what he is going through. There is no certain age bracket that suffers from this.
http://www.sextherapy.co.nz/
http://www.medicinenet.com/sexual_sex_problems_in_men/article.htm
I don’t know if these will help you. All I know is that when I have researched this it makes me feel like I’m doing something to help the problem. Information is power! If you just need to talk whatever please feel free contact me. I might not be able to give any answers but I’m willing to listen and share and maybe together we could find some ideas to help. Your call. Know I am here.
04/06/08 @ 09:21
Voyager
Hi Nikki, time I climbed in !
I agree with a lot of the dialogue but have another angle on the whole situation. It doesn't apply to everyone but as I explore the thoughts & values I've gathered on the journey so far there is a situation that I see in others as well as my own situation.
The short version is a socialised inability to talk openly & honestly about sex, sensuality & carnal pleasures let alone what we really feel as freely as what we think about "acceptable" subjects (typically those that don't challenge those locked doors deep inside the core of our existence)
I'm one of so many who lost interest in my partner emotionally then sexually very early on yet we never talked bout such things. It was a huge revelation to her after we separated that so many supposedly "great relationships" were no different than ours.
I've blogged about my thoughts about society's reluctance to accept open discussion of all things sexual/relationship orientated. It takes emotional & mental (that doesn't mean intellect/IQ) depth and maturity to have such conversations yet once you start it is so simple.
I spent over 20 years in a relationship where we were very happy with everything except sex & sensuality. To this day we remain best friends. But I'm still recovering from the self inflicted damage it caused me let alone her.
So much of it is mental including how we manage the changes that age delivers. Male or female if we're self aware and able to communicate openly & honestly there's nothing that I've yet to encounter that can't be amicably resolved.
I agree with a lot of the dialogue but have another angle on the whole situation. It doesn't apply to everyone but as I explore the thoughts & values I've gathered on the journey so far there is a situation that I see in others as well as my own situation.
The short version is a socialised inability to talk openly & honestly about sex, sensuality & carnal pleasures let alone what we really feel as freely as what we think about "acceptable" subjects (typically those that don't challenge those locked doors deep inside the core of our existence)
I'm one of so many who lost interest in my partner emotionally then sexually very early on yet we never talked bout such things. It was a huge revelation to her after we separated that so many supposedly "great relationships" were no different than ours.
I've blogged about my thoughts about society's reluctance to accept open discussion of all things sexual/relationship orientated. It takes emotional & mental (that doesn't mean intellect/IQ) depth and maturity to have such conversations yet once you start it is so simple.
I spent over 20 years in a relationship where we were very happy with everything except sex & sensuality. To this day we remain best friends. But I'm still recovering from the self inflicted damage it caused me let alone her.
So much of it is mental including how we manage the changes that age delivers. Male or female if we're self aware and able to communicate openly & honestly there's nothing that I've yet to encounter that can't be amicably resolved.
17/07/08 @ 19:31
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