I feel particularly miserable and detached tonight, more so than most nights. I have questions that when I search for answers I’m either searching in the wrong place or asking the wrong person.
Things of late haven’t been that great and me being a Scorpio this tends to shut me up for some time not wanting to allow anyone in or let anyone see that I might not be possibly dealing with things all that well. Need for secrecy can be isolating. The need to share can be agonizing. The internal struggle of both is frustrating.
The need for understanding eludes me and not getting my own way frustrates me. I won’t say I have always gotten my own way but it would be bloody close. If I didn’t get what I wanted the first time I would try different ways till I had what I wanted and then got bored. The Scorpio motto might be “What is hidden is more interesting than what is obvious.” In this situation I’m not getting what I want and I’m not getting any understanding as to why it is so hard.
I have been with my older man for 4 years now. In all ways our relationship is perfect except for this one problem! I read somewhere that even if the rest of the relationship is perfect and there is one problem that can’t be solved or you feel isn’t being resolved it will consume the rest of the relationship. I have never heard a truer word spoken.
Scorpios again are very passionate people and most people that have had relationships with scorpions know their sex life is very intense and very active. This is very true of most relationships I have had and I have enjoyed my sex life and all the things I have experienced to date. However I have hit a brick wall. I am experiencing just sex once every 4 months (if I’m lucky). Has the relationship always been like this? Yes it has. Has it always been a problem? Yes it has. Why is it a problem? Because I want way more. Why am I not getting way more? I don’t know. He doesn’t know. We don’t know. The more we talk about it the further away we feel from each other. The longer it keeps happening the worse I feel about myself and the situation. Why am I blogging something so personal? Because here I am nobody you know. Here you are nobody I know. It doesn’t make it any easier to share but the need to share is strong and being the person I am I have to have everyone around me believe I am in control and this perfect outward life I have is real or the basis of it is.
My self confidence is through the floor. I can’t remember the last time I felt sexy. It is pilling into other areas of my life and I am slowly but surely beginning to resent my partner for the lack of interest in sex. All the obvious questions have been asked. No attraction, Angry with me, to stressed etc etc. All to No of course not. Hence the need for some understanding. Something to hold on to. All the normal reactions to this have been played out. Him being defensive, me blaming myself, me still blaming myself, him wanting to ignore the issue, me wanting to talk about the issue. All is done and dusted and no change. No understanding. Nothing to hang on to.
I have never been an unfaithful person. But the idea has struck a cord or two in the last few months when it has all become a bit too much. Why am I still here? In my understanding and capacity to love I love him. I don’t want to leave I have invested a lot in this and so has he. How do I deal with this? Again I have no understanding therefore I have no answers. How do I go on? Until it is no longer bearable and something finally cracks. What will that be? Who knows? What was the point to this? Again who knows I just needed to blurt it out.