I just found a (well buried) word doc on my computer. Is a short diary I kept while I was living on Mangawhai between September 2004 until April 2005 when I moved to Auckland. I had completely forgotten about it. Check this out!

Friday, October 29 (2004)

I just finished reading a great book about a lady who was a prostitute in nz for many years, just telling it how it was. Prostitution interests me, always has, ive gone so far as considering it for a career at times. Have never really thought id be sexy enough (or brazen enough) to make a great success of it though, and then the ‘society’ dilemmas would always be an issue. The book certainly gives it added appeal, Id love all of the lessons it could teach me…I read up on my numerology last week and it said part of my life’s quest is to experience many different sorts of relationships, that’s me to a tee.

An interesting revelation. Lately I have been enjoying the new CDM Male Escorts Forum. Over here I am potentially the consumer! After so many years of Forum involvement where consumers were the others…this is an entirely different dynamic.

Now, one of my revelations some years ago was about Male Escorts. I’ve said often enough I’d happily pay for it…in fact, I look forward to the time when I fully intend to regularly. I’ve always clearly remembered one of my clients mentioning the particular thrill he gets going through catalogs of hot woman…all available to him! I hadn’t considered this element of being a consumer before and GAWD, absolutely! I have reconciled to the fact that I’d pretty much want to try them all!

I wouldn’t be looking for longer term, more intimate engagements. There is little chance I’d want to “hang out” and get to know each other. This is, of course, in DIRECT CONTRAST to how I promote myself as an Escort and in DIRECT CONTRAST with the type of gent I prefer to see. I feel like a hypocrite.

Anyway, the Forum. CDM is international and Elite. Very nice but…much of the conversation revolves around fine dining, conversation and romantic getaways, which is also nice but…what about jolly good rogerings?!

I’m exaggerating now because rogering wouldn’t be on my priorities list but, I find myself in exactly the position of many a consumer on our various New Zealand forums over the years arguing for the “quickie". Poetry and candlelight not required thank you. (I haven’t quite got to arguing but…)

THEN it occurs to me that, like myself on some degree, maybe the Male Escorts on CDM are potentially offended at the idea that a woman might book him for little more than the talents of his tongue and penis!? What a revelation! More importantly, WHY is this a revelation? Why did I put these men in a category so different to the one in which I place myself? Yes, offended is exaggerating but…hopefully you know what I mean?

So, question, if you were a (Male?) Escort would it bother you if clients were interested in nothing more than your meat? Have also asked this over on Our Forum.

un•so•lic•it•ed
adj. Not looked for or requested; unsought: an unsolicited manuscript; unsolicited opinions.

I’ve had a roller coaster week! Dramas. Some awesome news. Dramas. Way too much thinking. One point that has been highlighted is the sharing of unsolicited information. As the years go on for me in this business I grow increasingly peevish about it.

pee⋅vish
–adjective
1. cross, querulous, or fretful, as from vexation or discontent: a peevish youngster.
2. showing annoyance, irritation, or bad mood: a peevish reply; a peevish frown.
3. perverse or obstinate.
Synonyms:
1. petulant, irritable, snappish.

It’s no great secret that I’m pretty “out” but most aren’t. Unfortunately, this means they have secrets! Everyone has goddam secrets! Big ones. And if you know their secrets you are responsible for keeping them safe. As someone who really doesn’t have secrets, I don’t require reciprocation. I do not place this expectation / burden on anyone. Yet other peoples are placed on me daily.

I understand why.

I certainly feel honoured that I am trusted with this.

But. As the information I carry grows I increasingly feel the need to “control” what I’m presented with. To control, and make very clear, what I’m willing to take responsibilty for. A conversation recently went something like:

Sally: “Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know”
Response: *full, detailed low down on everything that happened*
Sally: “What part of “I don’t want to know” did you think I didn’t mean!?”

This is unsolicited information. Information I have not agreed to care for, yet, I am likely still expected to. A big one for me is real names. I do not want real names in my head! Fine to know them (generally) but I don’t want them used around me. Anyone wanting to come into the industry will usually introduced themselves by their real name. Once a working name has been decided this is who they become to me, even in our private emails. I do explain why.

It’s too easy to trip up. It gets too confusing! I live in a permanent state of paranoid fear that I’ve inadvertently made a public (or otherwise) reference to someone using their private information. Particularly when you know someone well, as equally their real name vs alias, the line becomes very blurred. So far I haven’t slipped up but, this is purely because I work very hard not to and frankly, I’m getting sick of the pressure.

Unsolicited information can see you in the firing line just because “you know it". Whether you wished to know this or not becomes completely irrelevant.

Unsolicited information can see you involved in things you would far rather have stayed out of. Unfortunately, now you know, you do need to do something. Head in the sand does serve some purposes!

In saying all of this, I do not apply anything a client would share with me to unsolicited category. I appreciate their honesty and sharing of themselves. Inviting them to contact me constitutes my agreement. I AGREE to carry his/her secrets. I have no issue with them, no resentment of them, no desire to minimise them.

Yes, it has been a drama week and I’m feeling particularly sensitive. But, people MUST take responsibility for what they share. People MUST consider the position they inadvertently place others in with their revelations. The point that I have no secrets* does add a particular dimension to my stance.

*I thought I’d done a post on secrets but I can’t find it if I have. Coming soon if not.

The modern escort spends 90 percent of her time on the computer, marketing, networking, managing her ads and branding effort, updating her site, etc. A mere 10 percent is spent making friends happy.

I’ve seen marketing gurus commenting that they spend thousands on workshops to learn what escorts already know. We are seamlessly integrated into the Internet, and already helping shape the future.

So very true. This is a comment from Beverly Fisher on a blog I read. I wanted to share.

Another anniversary rolls around…12 months already since my last Website Anniversary Post and three years since it all began. 3 years?!#?! Ive been reminiscing, going through my Web design archives, and 3 years is no surprise in fact . I have as many sites in my archives as I do online! Its a thrill, though I cringe at the thought of time invested (and nights on the town forfeited in the process).

Reality is I’ve now got a skill. Not one that I set out to achieve as part of any great plan…it has just evolved. If I’d studied it would have cost me the same plus a student loan!

Speaking of time…to the left is a timeline of some degree. Some memories from my archives folder, some horrors, some triumphs! I could add another half dozen but I’d rather not put myself through it. Ironically, with this anniversary Ive launched my new EiB Control Central, administration area for those who get a Website from me. Time has come to take it all more seriously….and I’m happy to.

I’m also giving thought to how much has changed; my head, my attitudes, my focus. If I had to describe this industry in one word…roller coaster. Well yes, two words. It is perpetual. I haven’t decided yet whether this is good or bad but, I’m still here. Three years down and the idea of moving to other pastures is still inconceivable.

Occasionally I do dream of a white picket fence. I dream of a camel trek across the middle of Australia. I get frustrated that life is so short! That my goals within this industry are so big…and how can I possibly do this and all else on my list in the same lifetime? The length of the Nile on a raft. Walk the Appalachian trail. Save Moon Bears in China and become a world famous erotic photographer. Street girls in Thailand are also on my “one day” list along with a Chateau in France and kayaking the full coast of New Zealand.

I don’t know what’s worse? Having too much to do or not enough. Too much means Im destined to look back on life and not feel finished. That could be by greatest horror.

So, here’s my plan:

31-40 years old - Sex Industry / Webdesign / Photography

40-45 years old - Thailand Sex Industry / Photography

45-46 years old - Appalachian Trail

46-49 years old - Study Architecture

49-50 years old - Nile Raft or Camels in Oz

51-56 years old - Moon Bears / Photography

56-62 years old - Chateau in France / Photography

62-63 years old - Kayak New Zealand

63 - Till the End…

I’ve known where I wanted to end up since I was a child. To this day I can picture it perfectly and it hasn’t changed. 40 + acres in New Zealand; some bush, mostly pasture, creeks and hopefully a waterfall. It will have a reasonably big house. A “lived in” house and dearly loved…not one of this ultra modern, “looks like the one next door", stale, characterless boxes with no stories to tell. I really like straw bale houses.

I will have a lake which grows trout.
A parking ground for families in mobile homes.
Workshops for anything anyone wanted to turn their hand to.
I will have wind, water and solar power.
Vegetable gardens for days.
A spa pool.
Huge outdoor bbq and oven.
Horses, livestock, dogs, cats and birds of all description.
I will breed Rosellas for release into the wild.
I will have self contained sleepouts.
Anyone will be welcome.
Everyone will be welcome.
They can come for a day or a year.

40 acres of safe space for anyone who needs it.

How exactly I have and raise a family amongst all of this I don’t know and, unfortunately, teaching in Africa and being a jockey may miss out. I will however squeeze in a beer in Ireland and mutiple orgasms!

Oh shit, I forgot sailing the world. Can I study Architecture and sail at the same time?

Sometimes, when I look around me, it saddens me how many real women have forgotten how to embrace the joy of being a woman. Some women settle for jeans and a sloppy T-shirt but I would much rather wear a pretty skirt and top.

Id like you to meet Kathryn Cleve. I discovered her blog 2 days ago and was drawn to her post titled Working Girl from which the above quote was taken (I didnt see the title of the post until after Id read it ).

Awhile ago I mentioned to Voyager that I didnt feel very feminine. He looked at me like I’d gone mad and replied with something to effect of me being one of the most feminine woman he knows. Presumably this means there are different perceptions? It was around this time that I decided painting my toenails may help and asked James to do it for me . I loved them! Have grown out now so volunteers are welcome.

This afternoon I arrived in gumboot territory (up North, will get pictures tomorrow) where heels just aren’t appropriate but, Kathryn highlighted something I struggle with. Being feminine, wearing skirts, heels, jewellery probably comes into it and embracing being a woman. I love being a woman, love it, I just dont feel very much like one on a normal day. I did make the point in the comments on her post that it does depend on the situation. While Im not comfortable in skirts and heels during the day Id feel extremely uncomfortable wearing pants to a restaurant dinner. Perhaps theres hope?

Audrey Hepburn is the epitome of feminine. Exquisite. I spent my childhood drawing lavish dresses in the style of Gone with the Wind, a movie I all but knew word for word. Scarlett Ohara was a goddess, if not a tragic one by the end. I used to feel like I was born in the wrong era. That feeling has passed but the appeal remains.

It may be simply that Im not 19 anymore. My legs aren’t as flash as they used to be, my knees are knobbly and I have NO tan. But no, I think theres more to it. I took the Are You Masculine or Feminine? survey which is linked to from Kathryns blog - 51% Feminine, Kathryn got 91%. About a year ago I took the BBC Sex ID Test (you’ll need alot more than 5 minutes) and came out exactly 50/50 male/female. Another theory, if your ring finger is longer than your index finger you have high levels of testosterone. Mine is significantly longer. Yes, I believe Im up against more than knobbly knees. It has occurred to me that high levels of testosterone may account for the ease of which I enjoy multiple partners and, as I said to my gent last week, Im generally as happy to roll over and go to sleep as the bloke…within reason. Gent will come up in a post one day, great night.

I dont want this post to turn into a book so, I ask the question…why is it that when I put on a dress (outside of formal outings) I feel silly? I revert to jeans. Another quote from Kathryns blog “For me, feeling feminine was a heady blend of feeling pretty, desirable, submissive, delicate, touchable.” I feel desirable often enough but submissive and delicate fall under “cold day in hell” category. Oh dear