We’re back online (thanks Ms Munro) - best I start writing something …. nah, sun is shining so time to grab the camera & go people watching.

For some time now I’ve been battling with thoughts around the place the sex industry has in my life & in particular my interactions with some of the people I’ve met. I remain convinced I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the influence, friendship, at times love, at others angst and sheer intensity of the interactions with the people I have met along the journey.

I am still addicted to the intensity and directness of the people I have developed personal relationships and friendships with and still can’t even come close to such connections away from the industry. Yet I remain alone and for a variety of reasons, mostly the simple reality that while deep and good friendships have developed none have gone any further.

Over the past year or two I have also made too many mistakes resulting in self inflicted emotional damage and failure to contain and manage the reality of some of those encounters. Several times I have experimented with situations where there simply can’t be more than the sex & companionship but keep letting myself drift back to dangerous shores.

Many times I’ve tried to convince myself to cut all ties with the industry and the people I’ve met but a few good & true friendships keep drawing me to the flame that burns bright. The latest train wreck (purely self inflicted inner personal turmoil - no drama to the other party) has me once again annoyed for myself for not keeping my thoughts & desires in check as well as I should have.

Yet I still find myself standing in the shadows watching and drawn back to the flame & unable to turn & walk away. Time to either deal with the demons & walk or give myself a good talking to and get on with it ?

More to come !

Not sure if this post will remain as one extended dump or if I’ll break it down once I’ve drafted the various subtopics that have been running through my head, here goes.

Over the past weeks and months I’ve found my opinions and attitudes about the sex industry at large changing - sometimes subtly, in others significantly. The lingering emotion is not guilt or regret - far from it. It is more an awareness of much that I have seen, experienced and had relayed to me that makes me confront more of what I see as wrong or questionable.

The subjects running through my head are largely random but I think there are two core themes that I’ve been trying to adjust my thinking on being the widespread crap attitude towards women in general let alone sex workers by more punters than will ever admit to it and the second being the negative impact the internet and especially industry forums have had (while recognising that there are positives as well).

I’ll start with the punter thoughts as some of the threads to this one are directly tied to issues created by the internet and review sites. The summary version is that I cringe at many of the attitudes, opinions and behaviours portrayed by so many not helped by being “protected” by the anonymity of the internet. The things I comment on aren’t just theoretical observations from forum posts, they are backed up by discussions with some of these people I have met and by comments by sex workers I know personally.

The things that I see and dislike include:

• Attitudes that can only be interpreted as considering and treating women as objects in a most negative, denigrating and subjugating manner that shows that these men have personal morals and ethics beneath contempt.
• The classic “trophy hunter” punter - typically 40s - 50s reasonably affluent, married, often part of a small group of like minded individuals who share their experiences in private and on forums and despite a civilised veneer treat women as objects to be conquered and displayed in public. This leads to the next one;
• The lotharios with a penchant for women a fraction of their age and the need to show them off in public despite what I consider the inappropriate nature of many of these displays. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had great professional sex with women less than half my age (have thoughts on that as well) but public displays - no way !
• The predators hiding behind polite & civilised façades who prey on the weak & vulnerable, even worse the fantasy merchants who weave a web of lies & deception that I have seen damage the lives of the victims in very cruel ways before moving on to the next prey
• Those with no qualms about posting information that identifies and runs down sex workers often as no more than a piss take. I have no issue with negative reviews where deserved but human dignity & decency should still be preserved.
• All of this is in an environment where the chat rooms and forums are anonymous for the punters yet the sex workers professional (and sometimes private) lives are exposed to the crap.

As for the changes to the industry on the provider side of the equation I believe that here in NZ there are several key factors that have driven a decline in many aspects of the industry:

• I’ve posted before that despite the mostly positive impact of the NZPRA it has had a side effect of making it much easier for people to enter the industry and unfortunately without the experience to deal with the challenges inherent in industry or a grounding in safe work practices. The proliferation of these casual providers means that they are often working in isolation. You could argue that this is a simple matter of supply & demand but the over supply means less income in a finite market so quality & consistency suffers.
• Here in NZ internet dating sites have had a serious negative impact on society let alone the sex industry. I have been told by people I’ve met who have completed research that there is hard evidence that NZ Dating in particular has significantly contributed to the alarming proliferation of STD’s ("must be clean” is a common euphemism for “willing to have unprotected sex with multiple random strangers") and has become a hunting ground for married men who would previously used the sex industry. Many of these are particularly unpleasant & predatory people so maybe it has done the sex industry a favour despite the measurable reduction in income to the average sex worker !
• Internet listing sites have allowed a proliferation of false advertising and misguided expectations - I still have a regular rant about the courtesan issue !
• The forums lead to some public outburst that I find as disturbing as bizarre - these are places people come to to find sex workers. I hate to think what some overseas punters think when they see some of the battles that rage on one of the NZ forums !

So, has there really been change ? It’s a classic “yes & no” answer. Nothing around the industry has really changed for a very long time, what has changed is the degree to which the industry is now more public and the internet means that anything posted is around the world in nanoseconds.

What really needs to change is how people treat others (and themselves)

I had seen some references to the research completed on the long term effects on the children brought up at Centrepoint under Bert Potter’s control & inwardly wept then today saw this !

All I can say is that it makes me ashamed to share the classification of human being let alone of the male species. Even greater shame that the victims will have their trauma raked over by the press once more as this horrible predator and abuser of women & children gets more publicity.

Clearly there was no change in his values & beliefs during his time in prison & court ordered counselling

Someone I know started a debate on a chatroom last night when she asked questions about who is in control and empowerment in a commercial sex encounter. Unfortunately I had to bail before the debate developed and as it happens one of the forum trolls killed the debate with his idiocy but the subject is very much on my mind as I reconsider some of the opinions and values I have held regarding he industry and its participants.

I should start off by making it very clear that I am not questioning the validity and place of the sex industry, in fact my thoughts are more around who the participants are treated and how society deals with its existence.

As I have said before, the sex industry is never going to go away & can play a valuable role in society so it is time we grew up as thinking human beings. Back to that debate a bit later.

So, some random thoughts and observations around the question of empowerment & control in a commercial sex encounter:

• The simplistic view is that because the provider seemingly decides to provide the service ad decides on the services to be offered then takes money from the client in return for doing so the provider is in control. My contention is that it is not that simple & excuse me for focussing on some of the negative aspects of the industry as I make my point.
• Who is in control when the provider has to be constantly on guard to ensure that the client does not put them in danger ? It is horrifying how common it is for male clients to remove the condom (very common reason for requesting “doggy style")
• Who is really in control when a provider feels compelled to offer services they would prefer not to in order to make more money ?
• What is the degree of empowerment & control when the provider has to hide what they do for a living and create a “double life” ? I have only ever met one provider who will publicly state what she did for a living but even she will moderate that based on the situation.
• Who is in control or empowered when prostitution is the only option the provider sees to make the money they need when that situation is accompanied by the need to hide what they are doing ?
• Who is in control in what is a major international business trafficking in women and sex slavery ? and yes this happens everywhere including little old NZ.
• Where is the power & control when street workers are subject to predatory behaviour by men who seek out unprotected sex for a paltry additional fee then publish photos of their “conquests” on sex forums along with details of where the victem can be found by other predators ?
• Who is in control when as has happened to someone I know there life can be destroyed by the sensationalism of the press when they latch onto a story about the “shameful” (sic) situation of someone being a prostitute & supposedly enjoying the spoils ?

There are so many more examples but I think you’ll get my point.

Before I give my opinion on what needs to change I should point out that along with encountering people dealing with all of the above I have met a number of women who I can only describe as empowered & in control of their life as a sex industry professional.

I am aware however that as I look further at what I see that the price they pay is potentially greater than I had recognised. None of them would regret the choices they have made, some have created very comfortable new lives for themselves as they move on from the industry but the price is still paid.

So, given that the industry is with us until eternity and that these are human beings worthy of the respect & dignity given to any other professional service provider what has to happen ?

• First & foremost society needs to grow the fuck up as far as the entrenched attitudes towards sex, sexuality, sensuality & good old fashioned fucking ! It is all to often seen as something dirty,shameful, to be hidden away behind closed doors. Perish the thought that people might openly enjoy it !
• In my opinion the deep seated treatment of women as “second class citizens” by society at large is a significant factor. The acceptance of violence against women across the entire spectrum of society, the fact that trafficking in women & children continues largely unchecked ad worst of all the “but they deserved it/brought it on themselves” excuse that so sickens me all flow on to how prostitution is seen by society therefore forcing so many providers to hide what they do therefore seriously weakening any position of power & control over their working life.
• I would add that I have encountered a few gay male prostitutes in a social setting & I understand that some of them are treated in a particularly inhumane/dehumanising manner as well
• Until society grows up and is willing & able to discuss sex, sexuality & yes prostitution openly & honestly this situation will not change. Until then the situation will be as it has been for time immemorial - power and control is something the providers need to fight for and be willing to pay the price. Those who choose to abuse the simple tenants of human decency & respect are not going to change in a hurry. Such is one of the great shames of the human condition.

Just in case anyone trips over some missing posts I’ve cleaned out a few that are no longer appropriate given some negotiations that occurred offline.