I think I have been working my way round to this post for some time.

I have found myself bemused & frustrated by the situation I find myself in accentuated by the clear knowledge that it is a mess of my own making.

As has been exposed in previous posts such as bonfire or precursor and sifting through the detritus I have exposed a little of the nature of my core personality that regularly sees me alone more than is warranted.

I’m very conscious of my poor self image that is well hidden behind a confident and at times assertive façade. I’m also conscious of long gaps in my sex life despite having confidence as a lover when I let myself along with some natural ability that I have had the fortune to have had tutored by wonderful lovers in the past, as I am aware that no two entanglements or tastes are the same or that ability means compatibility in all cases.

My monkey nature means passion & intensity when with someone yet (in most instances) the ability to move on to the next adventure quickly yet always seeking the one who will captivate me above all others.

So why do I find myself becalmed in terms of sex, sensuality and most importantly bereft of someone close to my life to share a combination of companionship, sex, sensuality and the enjoyment of life’s grand adventure ?

For those who are still with me, even more for those who think all of this is leading to something deep & meaningful I’m afraid you might be about to be disappointed. The solutions to my current malaise are quite simple (I can hear a few who know me groaning by now )

Continuing on from the recent posts I am determined and working hard to reclaim my life for me, for possibly the first extended period of my life put myself first & foremost potentially at the cost of others. Scary.

I’m going to stop pretending that some of the alter egos I have used in the past to express parts of my personality are somehow not really me - I accept that Conrad & and the others are me, not just a passing game to be played out then locked back in the cupboards of my personality.

I’m going to stop allowing myself to avoid reality with too many games. I’m not pretending that I won’t dabble in a little mildly kinky fun from time to time but the real quest is for people to share the pathways, highs & lows & debates to be enjoyed along the way.

So, Voyager is still evolving. There will be no miracles but far more resolve and far more clarity as to what does & doesn’t work mixed in with a lot more blunt honesty when it isn’t working.

Hell, one day I might even post my real name & use a photo rather than hiding behind my monkeys