Events of the past few weeks have me thinking about a number of things, the first being the blurring of reality with a bit of the fun and fantasy aspects of life’s grand adventure and my relationship with people who care for me as I do them. The second is based on some statements made about my personality and behaviour.

I’ve touched on the surface of the first line of thought with a brief post about fantasy & reality and I’ve thought that of recent times I have the challenge in check but obviously not as well as I had thought. I have many fantasies in my head of a sexual & sensual nature that I think I want to explore, many others that I know through tasting the surface of them that they should stay as strong fantasies - the middle ground can be a real challenge !

What’s the problem ? The problem over that past few weeks was that I let the urge to explore something that is in the no man’s land of fantasy and experiences once immersed in collide with the reality of current time & place particularly the lives of people I am connected to. Suffice to say that things went horribly wrong at a relationship and emotional level not helped by some of the other tokens in play.

It has taken a lot of honesty on my part admitting to the mistakes I made and what went down, it has caused me to move on from a number of things that have been festering in my head for too long, things which once had a time & place in my life but no longer. That line of thought has a lot to do with consideration of deleting some of my old posts around the “darkside” of my life, I won’t but they are over & done with in a reality sense. I cherish the lessons learned & the people I have encountered but it is not part of the person I am now or intend to be in the future.

Another aspect of this line of thought has been to reconsider my perception of my connections to the sex industry. I have no regrets in fact nothing but fondness for the experiences and the privilege of time with the people involved. Again though I wonder if it is time to move on. I don’t think it could ever be a total severance especially as a few of the people I’ve met are friends who will be part of my life for the remainder of the journey, more a matter of facing up to having had a great time, learned so much but knowing that as with the darkside its time has passed.

Another reason why I don’t think I could ever totally sever my social connections with the industry is around what I posted under the heading of intensity addiction - I am strongly drawn to the directness, intensity and (mostly) honest nature of the people I encounter, I have yet to meet the same in other aspects of my life.

Then comes the second line of thought, aspects of my personality and behaviour that I need to consider and in some instances manage better. The first is broadly covered by everything above, the second was a comment that I’m narcissistic. Google it but a quick list of the traits are here courtesy of wikipedia & the broader discussion off wikipedia here

Is it true ? I guess this post proves it in part & yes I can seen many of the traits in myself and stronger than many I know. I also recognise that from my very early years I have been aware of an almost crippling poor self image despite the façade the world sees. Similarly the depression that nearly destroyed my life was more than likely triggered by some of these traits. I beat the depression and know myself well enough to stop it taking control of my life again, am normally aware and manage the worst of the visible symptoms much better than I did over the past few weeks and have learned to like myself a lot better than I did until a few years ago.

So where to from here ? Firstly sorry folks but the blog is staying for now - it is part of how I heal myself. Second the apology that was delivered in person to the one I hurt deeply is as honest & open in public as it was then. Thirdly this Fire Monkey as been burned on the flames of his own personality (and yes it is interesting to see the traits of the classic monkey - narcissistic r us !) so is licking his self inflicted wounds and thinking through the lessons learned.

The first lesson is being more thoughtful of the others in my life, second one reinforced that while I might deceive my self to the contrary at times I’m in no emotional let alone practical state for a meaningful & committed relationship. The rest, well that’s about accepting that I was wrong, making my peace with the one I wronged & continuing the journey having learned something of myself & my interaction with others.

The truly special people I have met through the industry over the years who have looked me in the eyes & told me the truth about the person they see & their total trust of me as I trust them has taught me so much over the years, time I got my shit together again & stopped taking so much for granted especially being true to myself.