Crapola !
Continuing from the becalmed post over the weekend I was reminded of just how badly I’ve let my life get out of control and more importantly how I’m letting the expectations of others control how I behave.
It was a simple situation yet I’m still kicking myself (and apologising to the person I was with). I took a friend to the supermarket - yes friend & only that, admittedly a dominant one but a friend. By chance my ex wife was there, found out by chance exchange of text & phone calls & I walked out rather than risk a chance encounter & ensuing dramas. I have never felt so low, I went back but too late for me, the friend is very understanding but deep inside I’m still screaming.
What is it that drives me to such despicable behaviour in the supposed name of keeping the peace & protecting others from their frailties/faults ? Just as I avoid having lovers or female friends in my home while my daughter is present in order to avoid upsetting her.
I’ve taken a week or so from serious encounters to recover & sort myself out. Meeting up with two people I’m slowly getting to know from a message board not so far away. It will be good therapy, two people more than capable of challenging me & so far the cyber exchanges with them tell me that I’ll like them as people & fellow travellers on the twisted pathways of life’s glorious journey.
Voyager on Jun 5, 2008 | In General, Honesty Box | 10 feedbacks »
I would hardly call it "dispicable behaviour" to avoid a situation where experience has taught you that could potentially turn into a nasty debarcle. That is merely self preservation, and there is nothing wrong with that.
It's all in how you rationalise it to yourself. What's wrong in taking the view that you are not going to get drawn into someone elses drama, or that you are not going to let someone elses negative energy suck you dry, or that you are not going to have a negative verbal exchange, because that's not the person you want to be.
What is it that you cannot stop screaming at yourself about? That you have been weak? Nonsense.
I would have done exactly the same thing, but I would have done it for the reasons above (said the queen of conflict avoidance!!),and then not felt guilt about it.
xx
Blackspot Keep your chin up
Voyager I think it was the state I've let my personal life descend to that got me more that the specific situation. I specialise in conflict management (with avoidance a common and positive outcome) so typically have no issue with that.
I guess that I'm just deeply frustrated with the current situation that is proving so hard to move on from.
I'll get there (especially with the "encouragement" from new friends)
nikki Avoidance from drama is healthy. More of it will contuine to make it harder to move on.
Try to smile.
Nikki
Voyager Voyager What about me I asked to be told that I should be grateful that she feels safe & happy here.
What about the fact that I can't have female friends within 20 feet I ask, whatever is the answer.
But before certain people climb in I'm standing my ground.
I know there is a trade off for caring for those you are responsible for brining into the world compared to the right to start a new life but enough is enough.
nikki We as parents can only do so much. We are still people in our own right and sometimes have to think of ourselves. You know weather there is someone in your life or not you will always be there for your daughter. Its now time for daughter to learn that. The only way she will learn is to live it.
While it may not be easy for the women that enters the picture as long as she knows what she is in for it may work. It may not but the more time you spend with the women in your life the more she will grow to understand you can do both things.
Maybe it might take a couple of relationships before she gets the message and maybe she might say she is out of there if you do bring women home but if she is old enough to buy alchol she is old enough to make her own choices and live with them. The only thing you have to do is let her know whatever her decision the door will always be open to her.
Tough love while hard is sometimes effective!
nikki Just my thoughts. I don’t fully know you situation. But sometimes we do have put ourselves first and live a little and remember whatever you do nothing is irreversible!
Guilt is a no end emotion and serves no purpose.
Blackspot 
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