So, having put the BDSM games in my life in perspective, accepting them for what they are & embracing the lessons I learn from that aspect of my being I find myself pondering why it is that I continue to have a void in my life for a significant person to share sex & sensuality as well as the open debate regarding life, emotions or whatever.

Having overcome the worst of my negative view of myself with the help of some special people (covered elsewhere on this blog) I still find myself with a few good friends with whom I can have conversations that have no boundaries or exclusions yet I sleep alone or when with someone else the emotional & intellectual side remains unfulfilled.

So I see an intelligent and (mostly) emotionally mature & deep person in the mirror who finds himself alone more than he chooses (we won’t talk about the decaying middle aged body)- why do I let this situation continue ?

Having had my morning & life shattered yet again by my alcoholic and unstable daughter I’ve had a few too many pertinent reminders and it all comes back to how I deal with the accumulated detritus of life.

I have always lived my life taking on & helping others with their problems, my daughter & ex included. Again, not necessarily a bad thing unless like me you let it dominate your life & constantly internalise other’s problems rather than helping them & moving on. It’s like my photographic memory, there is no delete button - once recorded it’s with me for life.

Some of it is good old fashioned guilt as taught & reinforced from birth in this culture. That & an ingrained sense of responsibility for others over my own happiness & well being. Not necessarily a bad thing unless like me you let it rule your life rather than accepting it as just one part of your being.

All of my life I will take on others woes, help fix them if I can, always share the burden but worst of all internalise them as part of my own. An example is that for twenty years I’ve carried the challenges around my daughters well being on top of the relationship with her mother. In the end it came close to destroying my personal & professional life. Years after separation and at a a stage where our daughter should be well into establishing her own independent life I find myself living mine to accommodate their feelings & well being meaning I have limitations & restrictions on how I live mine.

So I find myself sitting here contemplating the second half of my life & and my intent to live it with a clear heart, pure(ish) soul & wicked smile yet find myself still buried in the detritus of my past. Methinks it’s time for a symbolic bonfire as well as giving myself a good talking to !

I suspect that if I’m brave enough to leave this post on the blog there will be more. Off to swim to release some of the tension, I’ve just voted myself a day with brain disengaged.