For some time now I’ve been battling with thoughts around the place the sex industry has in my life & in particular my interactions with some of the people I’ve met. I remain convinced I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the influence, friendship, at times love, at others angst and sheer intensity of the interactions with the people I have met along the journey.

I am still addicted to the intensity and directness of the people I have developed personal relationships and friendships with and still can’t even come close to such connections away from the industry. Yet I remain alone and for a variety of reasons, mostly the simple reality that while deep and good friendships have developed none have gone any further.

Over the past year or two I have also made too many mistakes resulting in self inflicted emotional damage and failure to contain and manage the reality of some of those encounters. Several times I have experimented with situations where there simply can’t be more than the sex & companionship but keep letting myself drift back to dangerous shores.

Many times I’ve tried to convince myself to cut all ties with the industry and the people I’ve met but a few good & true friendships keep drawing me to the flame that burns bright. The latest train wreck (purely self inflicted inner personal turmoil - no drama to the other party) has me once again annoyed for myself for not keeping my thoughts & desires in check as well as I should have.

Yet I still find myself standing in the shadows watching and drawn back to the flame & unable to turn & walk away. Time to either deal with the demons & walk or give myself a good talking to and get on with it ?

More to come !

I had seen some references to the research completed on the long term effects on the children brought up at Centrepoint under Bert Potter’s control & inwardly wept then today saw this !

All I can say is that it makes me ashamed to share the classification of human being let alone of the male species. Even greater shame that the victims will have their trauma raked over by the press once more as this horrible predator and abuser of women & children gets more publicity.

Clearly there was no change in his values & beliefs during his time in prison & court ordered counselling

Someone I know started a debate on a chatroom last night when she asked questions about who is in control and empowerment in a commercial sex encounter. Unfortunately I had to bail before the debate developed and as it happens one of the forum trolls killed the debate with his idiocy but the subject is very much on my mind as I reconsider some of the opinions and values I have held regarding he industry and its participants.

I should start off by making it very clear that I am not questioning the validity and place of the sex industry, in fact my thoughts are more around who the participants are treated and how society deals with its existence.

As I have said before, the sex industry is never going to go away & can play a valuable role in society so it is time we grew up as thinking human beings. Back to that debate a bit later.

So, some random thoughts and observations around the question of empowerment & control in a commercial sex encounter:

• The simplistic view is that because the provider seemingly decides to provide the service ad decides on the services to be offered then takes money from the client in return for doing so the provider is in control. My contention is that it is not that simple & excuse me for focussing on some of the negative aspects of the industry as I make my point.
• Who is in control when the provider has to be constantly on guard to ensure that the client does not put them in danger ? It is horrifying how common it is for male clients to remove the condom (very common reason for requesting “doggy style")
• Who is really in control when a provider feels compelled to offer services they would prefer not to in order to make more money ?
• What is the degree of empowerment & control when the provider has to hide what they do for a living and create a “double life” ? I have only ever met one provider who will publicly state what she did for a living but even she will moderate that based on the situation.
• Who is in control or empowered when prostitution is the only option the provider sees to make the money they need when that situation is accompanied by the need to hide what they are doing ?
• Who is in control in what is a major international business trafficking in women and sex slavery ? and yes this happens everywhere including little old NZ.
• Where is the power & control when street workers are subject to predatory behaviour by men who seek out unprotected sex for a paltry additional fee then publish photos of their “conquests” on sex forums along with details of where the victem can be found by other predators ?
• Who is in control when as has happened to someone I know there life can be destroyed by the sensationalism of the press when they latch onto a story about the “shameful” (sic) situation of someone being a prostitute & supposedly enjoying the spoils ?

There are so many more examples but I think you’ll get my point.

Before I give my opinion on what needs to change I should point out that along with encountering people dealing with all of the above I have met a number of women who I can only describe as empowered & in control of their life as a sex industry professional.

I am aware however that as I look further at what I see that the price they pay is potentially greater than I had recognised. None of them would regret the choices they have made, some have created very comfortable new lives for themselves as they move on from the industry but the price is still paid.

So, given that the industry is with us until eternity and that these are human beings worthy of the respect & dignity given to any other professional service provider what has to happen ?

• First & foremost society needs to grow the fuck up as far as the entrenched attitudes towards sex, sexuality, sensuality & good old fashioned fucking ! It is all to often seen as something dirty,shameful, to be hidden away behind closed doors. Perish the thought that people might openly enjoy it !
• In my opinion the deep seated treatment of women as “second class citizens” by society at large is a significant factor. The acceptance of violence against women across the entire spectrum of society, the fact that trafficking in women & children continues largely unchecked ad worst of all the “but they deserved it/brought it on themselves” excuse that so sickens me all flow on to how prostitution is seen by society therefore forcing so many providers to hide what they do therefore seriously weakening any position of power & control over their working life.
• I would add that I have encountered a few gay male prostitutes in a social setting & I understand that some of them are treated in a particularly inhumane/dehumanising manner as well
• Until society grows up and is willing & able to discuss sex, sexuality & yes prostitution openly & honestly this situation will not change. Until then the situation will be as it has been for time immemorial - power and control is something the providers need to fight for and be willing to pay the price. Those who choose to abuse the simple tenants of human decency & respect are not going to change in a hurry. Such is one of the great shames of the human condition.

There has been a lot of comment about the Versalko case and the Bank’s pursuit of one of the prostitutes who profited from his crimes (see here) here in NZ where an investment advisor from one of our banks ripped off clients to the tune of NZD$18M and reportedly paid two prostitutes in the region of $3.2M

In global terms that’s not much, I know of people in the US for instance funding 30-40 women with expensive lifestyles but in their case the money is theirs to pay out unlike this case where it is proceeds of crime.

I’ve seen so many comments including some making a tenuous connection to the NZ PRA. Simple fact is that he stole the money, one of the two women involved was apparently blackmailing him but all of that is irrelevant - the money was stolen so the rightful owner will successfully pursue the women to repay it and it is yet another case of if it sounds too good to be true it is especially when it would seem that there might be a case able to be proven that she was aware of teh true source of the funds.

Once the police and bank have finished the IRD will then pursue her for tax on any undeclared/untaxed earnings. Best the lawyers representing her get cash up front.

Sad that the situation gets to be sensationalised in the press especially given that his family are innocent victims of his crimes.

Note - edited

Smiled when I spotted this link to a post on beautifulanddepraved this morning when browsing (mis)adventuresinsex (can’t seem to link the URL for some reason - google the tumblr site until I fix it, love her posts)

Reminds me of a chance encounter with a friend that restored my faith in myself

I’ve edited my earlier post about the prostitution debate at the Oxford Union with the following from a post on escortsforum but I think it’s worth a post of its own, I found the interview interesting in its own right.

I’ve just updated my blog post about the prostitution debate with a link to the Radio NZ interview where Kim Hill talked to Catherine Healey about the Oxford Union debate and some of Catherine’s thoughts about what has changed. Worth a listen.

Interview can be found here

There’s also an item about the the work of the New Zealand Prostitute’s Collective (NZPC) worth checking out here