Originally written by Voyager on Saturday, March 6, 2010 at 10:04 AM

The Chinese New Year is upon us and the Year of the Tiger is about commence and it has triggered memories of one of the special ones from the sex industry who have been part of my life.

She worked as “Julia Pretty Woman” here in Auckland for years, tall redhead, great body, even better attitude and as sexual as it gets. Fun, sexy, personable & a generally neat person who had been through a lot in life but remained happy & positive. Life & laughter were her drugs, you simply couldn’t help but smile, relax and enjoy her company from the moment you walked in the door.

So, why does she come to mind ? Her Chinese Horoscope is the Water Tiger compared to my Fire Monkey, the warnings don’t get any stronger than that in the Chinese Horoscope - danger on all fronts !

Edited

That started a long running connection where we made time to see each other regularly, in the midst of personal complications on both sides fell in love as well as lust, maintained an open & honest communication about each other’s situations and simply enjoyed each other’s company, shared thoughts, stories, opinions & simply stunning sex.

The Chinese horoscope predictions came true when I separated and the option of taking the connection into a true relationship opened up. I handled things really badly during an emotionally fucked up stage of my life but ultimately it was the reality of our personalities that meant I don’t think we were destined to survive a committed relationship.

She is long gone from the industry (and I hear this country), still hope one day we might encounter each other again to embrace and sit to talk, laugh & share the energy that we are both so full of (and no - that doesn’t mean sex !)

Will always carry part of you deep inside me Tiger Girl, love you to bits and you were a special part of turning my life around. Hope you are safe, well and happy whichever beach it is that you frequent and brighten with that happy wicked smile of yours.

Not sure if this post will remain as one extended dump or if I’ll break it down once I’ve drafted the various subtopics that have been running through my head, here goes.

Over the past weeks and months I’ve found my opinions and attitudes about the sex industry at large changing - sometimes subtly, in others significantly. The lingering emotion is not guilt or regret - far from it. It is more an awareness of much that I have seen, experienced and had relayed to me that makes me confront more of what I see as wrong or questionable.

The subjects running through my head are largely random but I think there are two core themes that I’ve been trying to adjust my thinking on being the widespread crap attitude towards women in general let alone sex workers by more punters than will ever admit to it and the second being the negative impact the internet and especially industry forums have had (while recognising that there are positives as well).

I’ll start with the punter thoughts as some of the threads to this one are directly tied to issues created by the internet and review sites. The summary version is that I cringe at many of the attitudes, opinions and behaviours portrayed by so many not helped by being “protected” by the anonymity of the internet. The things I comment on aren’t just theoretical observations from forum posts, they are backed up by discussions with some of these people I have met and by comments by sex workers I know personally.

The things that I see and dislike include:

• Attitudes that can only be interpreted as considering and treating women as objects in a most negative, denigrating and subjugating manner that shows that these men have personal morals and ethics beneath contempt.
• The classic “trophy hunter” punter - typically 40s - 50s reasonably affluent, married, often part of a small group of like minded individuals who share their experiences in private and on forums and despite a civilised veneer treat women as objects to be conquered and displayed in public. This leads to the next one;
• The lotharios with a penchant for women a fraction of their age and the need to show them off in public despite what I consider the inappropriate nature of many of these displays. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had great professional sex with women less than half my age (have thoughts on that as well) but public displays - no way !
• The predators hiding behind polite & civilised façades who prey on the weak & vulnerable, even worse the fantasy merchants who weave a web of lies & deception that I have seen damage the lives of the victims in very cruel ways before moving on to the next prey
• Those with no qualms about posting information that identifies and runs down sex workers often as no more than a piss take. I have no issue with negative reviews where deserved but human dignity & decency should still be preserved.
• All of this is in an environment where the chat rooms and forums are anonymous for the punters yet the sex workers professional (and sometimes private) lives are exposed to the crap.

As for the changes to the industry on the provider side of the equation I believe that here in NZ there are several key factors that have driven a decline in many aspects of the industry:

• I’ve posted before that despite the mostly positive impact of the NZPRA it has had a side effect of making it much easier for people to enter the industry and unfortunately without the experience to deal with the challenges inherent in industry or a grounding in safe work practices. The proliferation of these casual providers means that they are often working in isolation. You could argue that this is a simple matter of supply & demand but the over supply means less income in a finite market so quality & consistency suffers.
• Here in NZ internet dating sites have had a serious negative impact on society let alone the sex industry. I have been told by people I’ve met who have completed research that there is hard evidence that NZ Dating in particular has significantly contributed to the alarming proliferation of STD’s ("must be clean” is a common euphemism for “willing to have unprotected sex with multiple random strangers") and has become a hunting ground for married men who would previously used the sex industry. Many of these are particularly unpleasant & predatory people so maybe it has done the sex industry a favour despite the measurable reduction in income to the average sex worker !
• Internet listing sites have allowed a proliferation of false advertising and misguided expectations - I still have a regular rant about the courtesan issue !
• The forums lead to some public outburst that I find as disturbing as bizarre - these are places people come to to find sex workers. I hate to think what some overseas punters think when they see some of the battles that rage on one of the NZ forums !

So, has there really been change ? It’s a classic “yes & no” answer. Nothing around the industry has really changed for a very long time, what has changed is the degree to which the industry is now more public and the internet means that anything posted is around the world in nanoseconds.

What really needs to change is how people treat others (and themselves)

It has been good to see the coverage of the successful debate at Oxford University by a team led by Catherine Healey from the NZ Prostitutes Collective. While the NZ Prostitution Reform Act is far from perfect & like all legislation suffered the usual compromises to get it passed it is a huge step to establishing a positive and safe situation for all involved with the sex industry.

The sex industry is not going to disappear and despite the negative and abhorrent situations associated with some aspects has always been a huge part of positive aspects for so many people. I’ve met men whose lives have been positively transformed as a result of the skill and care of prostitutes, similarly I’ve met prostitutes who have achieved personal and financial outcomes through the industry that they were not able to meet through other avenues. The women in particular are amongst the most emotionally strong, balanced and self-empowered individuals I’ve met in any walk of life.

Yes, as touched on above there are many aspects of the industry that make any decent human being weep. I’ll come to my thoughts on one of the key factors that has to occur before any meaningful change will occur but the things that get to me in particular are:

1. The inability for governments to deal with the trafficking of women and the organised gangs & organisations behind it
2. The typical global treatment of sex workers as criminals & the harassment of their clients - all it does is drive the industry underground and into the control of the gangs and predators
3. Society looking down their noses at the industry yet around those wealthy dinner tables an interesting number of the women have been involved in the industry at some time and equally the men clients yet in “polite company” will treat prostitution and those associated with it as the plague
4. The gender and sex negative attitudes that prevail in society. I abhor the attitudes shown by many men and weep when I hear women blurt out the classic “oh but she deserved it” clanger. Women are not objects and there is no reason why they should be treated as such in the sex industry or any walk of life.
5. The prevalence of drug habits is high in the industry but no higher than a number of other professions. This won’t change until some of the other negative aspects are dealt with.

So, what am I getting to ? One of my pet subjects - until society grows up emotionally and is as willing to openly discuss sex, sexuality and the sex industry just like any other subject across the dinner table or any other form of company we will not see significant change.

The sex industry is still considered a dirty little secret necessity to be ignored in polite company. Until that changes the influence and control of those who have no place in humanity let alone the sex industry will remain.

There’s more, let’s see what sort of reactions I get to this first.

Edit: Thanks to a post I spotted elsewhere here’s a link to a Radio NZ interview where Kim Hill talks with Catherine Healey about the Oxford debate

As in should I feel shame of opinions expressed of me in recent times or shrug it off as something I understand of myself and slowly but surely deal with. There have been a number of public attacks, some with justification some the result of confusion and misunderstanding when strong personalities and emotions collide.

As always I step back and think about what is said, while no shrinking violet myself I don’t like confrontation as a problem solving technique & always stop to think about why it happened & what I should have done differently. I am always my own harshest critic and I’m far more self aware of my own faults and weaknesses than some may think.

As for the answer to the leading question of the title - I think it’s somewhere in the middle. I’m far from proud of some of my actions and situations I let develop but that is only one version of reality.

Being narcissistic has been an abuse hurled at me on a number of occasions this year in some recent situations when some individuals take exception to either my personal behaviour or my posts.

Firstly a couple of facts:

• I accept a degree of narcissistic behaviour as part of my personality, I’m conscious of it and do my best to manage the negative aspects but yes, sometimes it causes hurt or negative reactions by others in my life
• Narcissism and narcissistic behaviour covers a wide range of behaviours from the typical modern member of society to the demented (I believe I reside at the former rather than latter end of the scale)

So, some definitions and opinions.

Firstly as mentioned narcissistic behaviour has many different definitions and character traits. Wikipedia has a reasonable summary here and as you will see there is a balance of narcissism that is inherent in all of us.

I can trace the development of the unhealthy aspect of my narcissistic behaviour to a near crippling poor self image and esteem that has been part of me most of my life. I’ve managed it well most of my life, failed badly some years ago and some good friends developed in and around the sex industry were the ones who taught me how wrong I am and to value myself as a person as they did as a close friend.

I still get it wrong especially with people getting close to me - really wrong in fact but I learned to see myself as a fundamentally good person liked and likeable, the total opposite of the person I saw in the mirror when I let life and my insecurities push me over the edge of depressive behaviour.

As I say, a degree of narcissistic behaviour is within us all and unfortunately I believe that the nature of modern society increases the triggers and pressures that push more into the negative definitions.

Interesting that those who have thrown the phrase in my face recently are dominant personalities and aggressive in ensuring that their opinions are prominent and not to be questioned or challenged. I posted a little of the situation here it went further but posts relating to that were removed. I’m happy to be seen as the one 100% in the wrong in the interests of the feelings of the other party.

Understanding myself and expressing things like this are part of my self healing, I am my own harshest critic when I fuck up, sometimes too much so but far more aware of my own failings than some give me credit for.

Smiled when I spotted this link to a post on beautifulanddepraved this morning when browsing (mis)adventuresinsex (can’t seem to link the URL for some reason - google the tumblr site until I fix it, love her posts)

Reminds me of a chance encounter with a friend that restored my faith in myself

Originally written by Voyager on Tuesday, March 9, 2010 at 8:37 PM

I’ve commented in other posts some time back about the propensity to abuse the term “elite” in relation to escort listing sites, I have an even bigger pet hate which is the misuse of courtesan in escort listings.

My passion for language and the stories behind it means that I do not accept the modern usage where courtesan is a standard designation for higher priced and higher quality (often self proclaimed rather than proven) escorts.

Take some time, check the history, there are much better articles than the wiki one, run a search and absorb, because courtesans are still very much a part of modern life just not socially recognised given the more puritanical view of “professional companions” these days.

I have known someone who fits the term well, she learned about life the hard way, part of her survival technique was via the sex industry and learned how to mingle and fit into the “high life” internationally and retired after using those lessons to better the life of someone who was willing to pay a price to have his life and social situations developed & enhanced by her. No $200/hour prostitute fits that definition. Similarly most punters are incapable of handling the intensity let alone the reasonable cost of a courtesan in their life.

(for those reading this outside on New Zealand $200NZD is the average rate for a good quality prostitute you’d pay 3-5 times as much for in local currency in the US or Europe)

I saw a post from an Auckland based sex worker complaining that she had been told that she isn’t a courtesan as she states in her ad. Sorry but you’re not and that’s the cold hard fact. You’re still as good as almost all advertising around you, just none of you fit the definition. Be happy that you’re a good sex worker, don’t pretend that you’re a courtesan.

Edit: In part explanation to the feedback from Anna Smith the Working Girl I commented on at the end of this post is someone I’ve met socially and have heard about from others so I have a reasonable knowledge of her approach to the industry as well as her service offering. Good Working Girl - based on feedback yes. Courtesan - absolutely not