I thought it was behind me even though it haunts me still. I’m not going to let it drag me back into the darkness again but disappointed to find myself acknowledging that this demon still lurks within.

At least this time I think I have it’s measure, know that I’ve have deliberately isolated myself so am able to deal with it in my time and my way this time rather than letting it drive me to the brink as it did last time.

First one encapsulates some of how I currently feel about a special friend who has cut off communication/contact with me at the moment, she will always be a true friend for me (and I have a very soft spot for Tolstoy’s thinking and words):

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
Leo Tolstoy

I hope you are safe & well my friend and one day, as we have in the past, we’ll pick up the conversation as if there had been no gap.

The second touches on a pet subject - what the hell is wrong with sex when your partner has her period ? I might be a Virgo and would always protect the good sheets I’m fond of but it’s a normal bodily function and for some women I’ve learned that sex during menstruation helps ease the discomfort. The quote that triggered the thought was:

“I’ll admit that stained sheets are an annoyance, but getting menstrual blood on oneself is a monthly occurrence for women, and yet we somehow manage to avoid PTSD. Understanding this, and accepting that the vagina is part of the female reproductive system and not just a sterile hole for your dick, is an important step toward becoming a man worthy of fucking.”

Spotted the quote with first reference to Jezebel with original reference to nightmare brunette (site worth following)

The time has come to rethink & rework this blog. There are a number of posts that I’ve always thought way too self-indulgent & posted for all the wrong reasons, I think I’ll either delete or rework them in the very near future.

The blog started as a venue to express thoughts and opinions around the sex industry, that hasn’t been the focus for some time & to me no longer relevant - the “retired punter” part of my bi-line will be gone very soon. The sex industry and those I’ve met along the way are still very important to me and no doubt will remain central to things on here but not exclusively so.

I’ve had thoughts of abandoning this blog but I’m not ready for that yet, it remains an important outlet for me at times. As I’ve sat here building this post it has been interesting to go back through the brief history & I was surprised to see how my memory was wrong - I always thought I started this around the time of Treats in Taupo which still embarrasses me when I see both my forum & blog personalities posting feedback - I have no idea what the hell I was thinking of ! It was around six months later that Voyager’s blog was launched.

It has been an interesting 20 months or so since then, friendships & acquaintances have come & gone, I’ve made some appalling fuck ups along the way but most importantly over the past few months have done something I’ve been very bad at for most of my life which is (on most occasions) say what I really think & feel rather than staying silent or using the classic avoidance technique of “I don’t mind” or “it doesn’t matter". Life does matter.

There is much more change to come, as far as change on this blog is concerned if/when I delete or rework posts I will at least leave a note given that some I know have a serious issue with such things & we’ll see which directions the changing winds propel me.

My Soup has become a particular favourite. At first a little frustrating to keep track of because of just how prolific the posts are and there are no breaks - it is one continuous stream of images that make you smile, think & enjoy the moment.

Why this post ? No particular reason other than this quote amongst the images captures so much of what really works for me:

“There is no moment that exceeds in beauty that moment when one looks at a woman and finds that she is looking at you in the same way that you are looking at her. The moment in which she bestows that look that says, “Proceed with your evil plan, sumbitch.”

Donald Barthelme

I have 10-15 other sites that I check daily but I have to check My Soup at least twice a day just to keep up with the posts. Love it.

Edit:

A couple more I can’t stay away from are The Code 831 and Tumbling Towards Ecstasy

Sometimes the content from all of them is disturbing or not to my taste but they always make me stop, look, think and most days be drawn to the attitude of the images.

Second edit:

SOB ! The Code 831 has disappeared ! If anyone watching is interested I have a list of 10 or so sites I check at least once a day for amusement, entertainment & images that make me stop & think about them

Third edit:

Fuck I love this site - had fun, laughter & some poignant moments from just a brief browse ! Go check out Erotic Garden

Fourth edit:
Have to add loveyourchaos to the list

Part of it is because I’ve let my demons keep me backed up in the corner of my cave another year particularly when it comes to personal connections. I remain alone but not lonely due largely to some gloriously spectacular bad calls as far as paths I’ve wandered down that have left me doubting myself in ways that have never stuck before. Easily fixed but right now that demon has the better of me.

At times it has left me feeling far too close to this !

Next was the weight of being the keeper of too many secrets in the name of friendship catching me off guard recently. I think my typically blunt and honest response to a question regarding what I thought of a situation has cost me a friend last night. I still believe that what I said needed to be shared and was valid but it leaves a hollow feeling when I look from the other side. This is not the first time I’ve put myself in this situation nor will it be the last.

The demon that I need to put back in its cage the most right now is the one that feeds my self doubt in terms of personal relationships. I’ve posted before that some special people taught me some time ago to value my worth as a friend, companion, lover and human being but despite the shell that they see my inner insecurities gnaw at me recently.

There have been some good things, the chaos created by some of my mistakes of the past 6-9 months appears to be settled. I chose to stay silent when one of the people hurt the most expressed her opinions publicly and still believe that was the right approach but when someone else tried to stir all that up it was good to be able to deal with the shite that was posted as well as being able to talk to the original person without the dramas of the past.

This Voyager is going to be a lot more vocal about what he really thinks from now on.

I’ve taken strength & joy from a special person from my distant past making contact (I hate Facebook with a passion and barely use it but she found me that way and the conversation via email has been important to dragging me out of some of my moodiness).

Over the past few days someone I’ve got to know and now count as a friend has been in town. We met in the midst of the glorious mistakes mentioned above, had a very unfortunate clash that we recovered well. Special person, great friend who reminds me of my good parts and will nicely & bluntly tell me when I’m wrong. Her busy and changing schedule has meant that we’ve had little time to catch up, I hope that we’ll get a few hours in the Auckland sunshine today before she heads home but she has helped settle some of my doubts. Hell, she must be special - she is the first recipient of a t shirt that reflects the happily wicked side of my humour.

On an amused diversion part of the Facebook related connection meant that I stumbled across a description of the combination of Virgo & Fire Monkey that I’ve never seen before. Like all of these trite descriptions you can read anything you want into it but it made me smile & see myself in all but one facet which interestingly enough is the one unspoken and probabaly most important demon:

The Virgo/Monkey
Virgo wants order and social status. Monkey could care less. Despite a conflicted character, these Virgos eventually sort themselves out and rise to the top by knowing how to make mucho money and keep it safely guarded. In love, they are versatile.

THE CUNNING PERFECTIONIST

The Virgo born Monkey carries himself like a prince. Women of this sign are elegant and stunning to behold. They give off the kind of superior vibes equalled only by the wicked queen in Disney’s Snow White. Nonetheless, Virgo/Monkeys never have it easy. They must nibble away at all aspects of their lives, from childhood onward, in order to enjoy even a measure of success. Why? Because Virgos born in Monkey years are conflicted. Virgo wants social status. Monkey doesn’t care a fig whether he belongs to the right clubs or rubs shoulders with prominent people. Goals are never quite clear to this clever character. Success is sometimes considered a mixed blessing. But never mind because the best thing the Virgo/Monkey knows how to do is make money and keep it. In love, he is sentimental, possessive and even a mite clingy. Naturally this makes him a top notch, competent lover with techniques and skills hitherto unimagined by less meticulously driven romantics than we.

So, sitting here trying to wrap up this post that I’ve tinkered with all morning, reflecting on the issues at hand while said friend snoozes on the couch. Life could be worse - I’m alive, aware, and thinking through the slow but sure process of getting on with life. There are bumps ahead but calm as well, little things make a difference even the process of removing people who have stopped responding or initiating contact from my MSN list was oddly therapeutic. The calm from the trust and friendship of the friend snoozing on the couch, the conversation over (too many) drinks Friday night with people we’ve both encountered on my favourite forum and a quiet confidence that the next year will be better.

And for the record I’m the former not the latter:

Call it a symptom of the on-line & “now” generation we live in but am I the only one who sometimes finds himself wrapped up in fantasies that are sexually & sensually more fulfilling than some real life encounters ?

I’m very visual (yes ladies I know that the male species is commonly afflicted with this disease) and have a vivid visual memory much of which is in colour and stays with me forever - sometimes I wish there were a delete function.

Back to topic. I’m intense, seek situations that are challenging and feed that intensity virus I was born with so as I sit here in the treetops watching the world and waiting for the next adventure to unfold I find myself getting as much gratification from the fantasies created from past adventures and the desires they have created than some real life naked encounters.

Frustrating at times but partly a reflection of my careful avoidance of some potential opportunities, partly boredom with those who don’t attract/seduce my mind first & foremost & partly because I’m currently a grumpy monkey preferring to wait for that chance encounter with someone who will reach out & gently but firmly grasp me by the essential senses & lead me to the next grand adventure.

For the record masturbation to those fantasies is great even if I consume too much high quality lube !

What was I trying to say amongst all that waffle ? Sometimes masturbation and fantasies are almost as good as real life encounters especially when you have downtime from the essential pleasures of flesh on flesh - just make sure you understand the difference a damned good fantasy to get off on versus something that will work for all parties in real life.

As posted previously this Voyager let a profile he created stay way too long and get way too entangled with various facets of an escorts forum. Met people, got involved at various levels as friends, lover, client and passing acquaintance with a number of people off the forum in “real time".

I can deal with the bad shit, the big mistakes I made on a personal level, admitting that I was very wrong in a few things I did but that’s not what this little self indulgent exercise is about.

To the resident malicious meddling gossip mongerer of that forum who went out of his way to cause trouble on several occasions - while I know he’ll eventually rot in a hell of his own making I truly don’t give a fuck about.

To some of those who couldn’t figure out fact from fiction & when to lighten up and realise that it’s just a fucking forum - you’ll never get it so again, you matter nothing to my life. Same for those whose only form of attack was to trot out the words of others - original thought should be taught as an essential life skill.

The ones that still amuse me (and yes I occasionally waste a little precious energy by testing the situation) are those who supposedly formed a degree of connection. Like going to great pains to insist that nobody knew of things exchanged in private & confidence yet told others almost immediately knowing full well the damage that would be done.

Like the ones who found the connection and information available when they needed/wanted it then broke the connection when they moved on to other feeding grounds.

Like the ones who believe the bad things they heard of certain situations involving me & I’m guessing a degree of self indulgent “righteous indignation” knowing full well there was another side to the tale. They have been the most silent from the other end of the internet.

The great one has been one person who was on the receiving end of my anger over evil lies that were spread about me. They listened, they argued, they apologised and accepted mine. We communicate with respect.

The others, may they long amuse me by their predictability, the shite they continue to post to bait each other and amuse themselves. I enjoy watching from the sideline from time to time.

It still interests me how forums attract so many as moths to a flame who thrive in the anonymity of the internet and think nothing of tearing down real people and real careers in the sex industry or in some cases lose perspective of the damage they do to their own profile in the industry by buying into the forum in fighting.

To the one person who was hurt by our flawed personal connection/friendship - you’re not part of anything above.

There endeth the rant, normal transmission will resume soon (when those who can’t read between the lines have finished throwing stones).

As always I step back and think about what is said, while no shrinking violet myself I don’t like confrontation as a problem solving technique & always stop to think about why it happened & what I should have done differently. I am always my own harshest critic and I’m far more self aware of my own faults and weaknesses than some may think.

As for the answer to the leading question of the title - I think it’s somewhere in the middle. I’m far from proud of some of my actions and situations I let develop but that is only one version of reality.

Being narcissistic has been an abuse hurled at me on a number of occasions this year in some recent situations when some individuals take exception to either my personal behaviour or my posts.

Firstly a couple of facts:

• I accept a degree of narcissistic behaviour as part of my personality, I’m conscious of it and do my best to manage the negative aspects but yes, sometimes it causes hurt or negative reactions by others in my life
• Narcissism and narcissistic behaviour covers a wide range of behaviours from the typical modern member of society to the demented (I believe I reside at the former rather than latter end of the scale)

So, some definitions and opinions.

Firstly as mentioned narcissistic behaviour has many different definitions and character traits. Wikipedia has a reasonable summary here and as you will see there is a balance of narcissism that is inherent in all of us.

I can trace the development of the unhealthy aspect of my narcissistic behaviour to a near crippling poor self image and esteem that has been part of me most of my life. I’ve managed it well most of my life, failed badly some years ago and some good friends developed in and around the sex industry were the ones who taught me how wrong I am and to value myself as a person as they did as a close friend.

I still get it wrong especially with people getting close to me - really wrong in fact but I learned to see myself as a fundamentally good person liked and likeable, the total opposite of the person I saw in the mirror when I let life and my insecurities push me over the edge of depressive behaviour.

As I say, a degree of narcissistic behaviour is within us all and unfortunately I believe that the nature of modern society increases the triggers and pressures that push more into the negative definitions.

Interesting that those who have thrown the phrase in my face recently are dominant personalities and aggressive in ensuring that their opinions are prominent and not to be questioned or challenged. I posted a little of the situation here it went further but posts relating to that were removed. I’m happy to be seen as the one 100% in the wrong in the interests of the feelings of the other party.

Understanding myself and expressing things like this are part of my self healing, I am my own harshest critic when I fuck up, sometimes too much so but far more aware of my own failings than some give me credit for.